next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
