i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
