Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
