At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
