I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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