so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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