It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
