You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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