You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
