i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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