some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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