her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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