just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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