Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
