The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
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I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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