Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
