Your favorite bartender is back from prision
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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