Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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