If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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