the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
