a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
