hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Kiss
Puke
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
