The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
You can't motorboat a personality
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
