Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
