i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
