Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
