I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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