I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
