Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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