I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
