I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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