after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
