Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
