Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
