i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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