Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
