watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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