you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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