paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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