I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
50% drunk capacity currently
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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