I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
