There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
