Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
