I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
