I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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