oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
