i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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