You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
