I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
