I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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