was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
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I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
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What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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