I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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