i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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