the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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